this is probably goodbye for a while

i am not a "blogger" ~ after a year of making a weak attempt at keeping something like a blog, it's just deathly clear to me that i don't find journaling all that interesting and the journaling i do is sucking the marrow out of my creative bones.

i had great notions for the idea of "community" and the way in which the internet can serve to bolster and inspire ~ but my energy and enthusiasm has never been so low.

teilhard's dream of the collective that i imagined possible through online discourse has proven to be an experiment in mostly frustration, annoyance, and a sense that the whole world is so self-absorbed that they can't be bothered to "give" to one another or even engage on a level that would meet the criteria for "social discourse".

okay, that's not true.

but there are certainly days it feels that way. i know that for all i have tried to put out, i don't really feel like i am getting what i need in return to sustain myself. i also know that the hostility, the blind-agression, the total self-centeredness of some people makes my head spin. i find myself retreating to the point of failing to be giving of myself in the very way i hope others would give. that's not a good thing.

i think it's good to try things. i think it's essential, even, to fail. i think when you fail, you pick up the pieces and start with something new.

i'm not deleting this journal but i am thinking of radically revamping my life. i've been laboring under the misguided arrogance that i have something to share that people might appreciate. doesn't mean i'm picking up my marbles and going home. i'm certainly not resentful of the outcome of all of this and everything i have to offer is still there.

you can have all the marbles. i'm just going home.

knock if you want ~ my door is always open.