the appalling short history of my Jack the Ripper fandom ~

[lookingland]

queenoftheskies says it's International Embarrass Yourself as an Artist Day, so i thought i would play along.

this is a scene i was thinking about the other day, talking to babalueye (who i blame for the existance of this book, frankly). it's an absurd moment in my ill-fated Jack the Ripper novel. i've only posted a mercifully short piece of it. the 75k nightmare of a manuscript is a long rambling mess: part monty python, part chamber of horrors. it was a veritable kitchen sink of Ripperology (from a-z, i swear), all intertwined into a lurid psycho-sex story at the heart of which was a poor, misunderstood killer. i was 17 when i wrote it and while the research was honest (and well used ~ i certainly learned a lot about writing historical fiction from doing it), it neverless should never see the light of day in any sort of complete form.



to set the scene: Eddy (that would be Prince Albert Victor, the Duke of Clarence and Avodale, heir apparent to the Throne)and Podge (Lord Arthur Somerset) are attending the opera (Cavalleria Rusticana if memory serves), with two women: Marie (Jeanette Kelly, of course) and May (of Teck, future Queen Mary) who each believe Eddy is going to marry them. a comedy of errors ensues. believe it or not this isn't the most absurd moment in the book ~ the overall plot is so much worse!

~ * ~

Eddy and May proceeded to sit down, Marie staring at May, uncertain of what to think of her and her arms wrapped so tightly around Eddy's. Podge just stared in general. He hadn't expected this to happen.

Eddy, however was neither interested in May's tight grip or the concerned look on Podge's face. He just gave Podge a puzzled look as he sat down.

"Monty* couldn't make it," Podge offered, seeing that his friend had noticed the absence of the nervous wreck.

"Oh?" Eddy replied, quickly becoming a nervous wreck of his own. He passed a quick glance to May, who was too busy reading the program to pay any attention to their conversation.

"He wasn't feeling up to it," Podge explained. "I think he's just afraid to come out of the dark into somewhere public. Sounds suspicious to me."

"He's never feeling up to anything," Eddy sneered.

"But he's always up to something," Podge remarked.

Marie, who was probably the most confused out of all of them, didn't particularly like the way May was sitting so close to Eddy, despite the fact that the seats in the box were spaced an identical distance from one another. And to show him that she didn't like it, she took hold of his hand, which was perched atop the arm rest, while he was drumming his fingers nervously.

Immediately, Eddy was startled by the action, and jumped from his seat, pulling loose from Marie. "No! No! This'll never do! Switch seats!" he directed the order to no one in particular.

May, however, grabbed Eddy by his coat tail and pulled him back into his chair. "Stop this nonsense," she told him, "We're not here to play musical chairs!"

It was about now that the curtain went up on the stage. Marie and May were equally attentive, although for different reasons. May, because she enjoyed the music of the opera, Marie because she had seen so little theater in her life, and it had been so long since she had been there.

Marie leaned on the balcony to get a better view, and Eddy took this opportunity to lean over her chair and whisper to Podge.

"Have you seen today's paper?" he asked Eddy.

"Which one?" Eddy replied.

"The Star, " Podge handed him the copy that he was carrying. "There's a very interesting article on the front page,"

"What?" Eddy shook his head and pointed to his ear, an indication that he could not hear him.

"An article on the front page," Podge repeated.

"What?" Eddy replied.

"Front page! Open the paper!" he shouted, and then threw his hand over his mouth to silence himself.

"Quiet!" May hissed at them. "Sit up straight, Eddy," she pushed him back in his chair. Eddy was getting fed up with being pushed around by May, but he was keeping his temper no matter what. May then handed her opera glasses to Marie. She was tired of having to look at the girl leaning over the balcony. She thought it was so unlady-like. Marie thanked her quietly and those were the only words the two passed all night.

At first Eddy was amused that Podge took the newspaper to the opera as he almost always had one with him, but when he opened it up to the front page, he realized that Podge had a very good reason for bringing it. There on the front page was the photograph he had taken with May in the garden at Luton Hoo, along with a feature article. Eddy closed the paper quickly, and shot a bug-eyed glance at Podge. Podge just shrugged back.

Eddy tapped Marie on the shoulder with the paper, and when she turned around, he handed it behind her back to Podge, who shoved it under the chair quickly.

"Do you ever read the newspaper?" he asked, smiling nervously.

"No, I don't" she replied, very suspicious as to what was going on.

"Oh that's nice," his grin widened, and he looked to Podge, who smiled back.

"Why?" Marie wondered.

"No reason," Eddy shook his head nonchalantly.

"Ye niver told me 'bout yerr . . . ." Marie started suddenly.

Eddy's smile vanished into the most serious and sincere expression he could conjure, and he interrupted her in mid-sentence, "I have something very important to tell you," he said.

Marie's eyes became rather serious as well. Her face grew pale suddenly, and she whispered back softly, "I have news ferr ye too, an' it's not verry good."

"I'm afraid mine's not very good either."

"Stop whispering," May commanded, poking Eddy in the ribs.

Eddy just couldn't concentrate on the opera, or anything else for that matter. He was too tired to worry about what he was going to do now. The evening was a disaster already. How was he supposed to talk to Marie about "going to Australia" if May was sitting there watching him like a hawk?

After the first ten minutes of the show, Eddy became entirly disinterested in the whole thing, and he turned to entertaining himself by shredding his program. It wasn't so much that he wanted to destroy the paper, he was just bored, and thought that a little confetti might liven things up. It was a finger tapping him on the shoulder that turned his attention back to Podge.

Lord Arthur motioned for him to go with him outside, but Eddy shook his head and pointed to May. Podge sighed and began trying to think of ways to get out of there.

They exchanged glances, bantering silent suggestions, each more ridiculous then the last, for a good ten minutes before Podge motioned a push and drop over the balcony. Eddy gave him a puzzled look. Then he pointed at May and nodded enthusiastically.

Podge shook his head angrily. "No!" he mouthed silently, "the coat!" And he pointed to Marie's coat, dangling over the edge of the box.

Eddy raised an eyebrow, for he now understood.

Podge smiled. "I say!" he exclaimed after a pause, "isn't that Lord Salisbury over there?" And he pointed to the boxes opposite of them, across the stage.

Eddy hesitated before catching on. "Oh?" he leaned over cautiously. "Is it really?"

"I can't tell," Podge leaned over as well.

Eddy leaned over further, supporting himself on the balcony rail. "I don't believe it is," he replied, and purposely knocked the coat over the balcony's edge. It plunged down too quickly for anyone to catch it.

"Eddy!" squeeled Marie upon seeing the careless action. May yanked Eddy by the coat, back into his seat.

"Stop fooling around!" she commanded.

"Terribly sorry," Eddy told Marie. Then he turned to May. "Don't worry, I'll retrieve it."

"You'll do no such thing," May held fastly to his arm, and added under her breath. "I'm not letting you out of my sight."

Eddy shot a glance a Podge, helplessly. Podge just shook his head and sighed. It had been a good plan, but May was determined.

* for you Ripper fans, Monty refers to Montague Druitt, whom Podge believes is the killer, though Eddy knows otherwise. i tell ya, this book was convoluted as all get out.

: o p

Comments

I am the Empress of Embarrasing Writing

[inkidink.livejournal.com]

You'll never unseat me with that entry bwahahahhaha --don't forget I'm the woman who wrote a picture book with cannabalism as a theme and burping as a sub-theme. That one goes clean off the red-faced charts.

I think yours is actually pretty cute :-D I've always had a soft spot for Ripper stuff (as you know).

P.S. Who IS the murderer in your story?

Re: I am the Empress of Embarrasing Writing

[lookingland.livejournal.com]

yes, i almost envy the burping cannibals ~ in fact, it should be a musical called: Burp!

of course i wouldn't know if the writing was actually bad since i've never seen it * ahem*

: D

p.s. i think i shoe-horned nearly every major suspect into my Jack the Ripper book and everyone is suspicious of everyone else, yet no one is suspicious of the actual killer ~ but the book's not a whodunnit anyway, the killer is identified from the first murder.

of course, i'm still not going to say who it is. hahahahahaha ~

Re: I am the Empress of Embarrasing Writing

[inkidink.livejournal.com]

You haven't seen it? I thought I posted the miserable fiasco over in the LL community --I know I posted this thing somewhere...I remember the hooting and roars of laughter.

One of it's other flaws is it's ridiculously LONG (approx. 1,000 wds)

Here's the last page (hang onto your tummy this is upchuck-making:

They felt so good they all held hands and sang, "She'll be comin' around the mountain." Then they danced the Hokey-Pokey.

"This is what I called fun" said Max.

The Ragtovies agreed that plotting and planning and eating each other up was no way to behave. It was so much nicer being friends. It really didn't matter who was the biggest.

"Besides," said Max rubbing his stomach, "eating Ragtovies can give you a terrible tummy ache."

(mercifully this is) THE END

Man, my teeth ache.

I even made up an illustration of a Ragtovies (sort of mouse like with a pot belly).

I was a bit older than 17 (wish I could use that as an excuse) I think I was in my early twenties ...Square Deal Composition notebooks cost 89 cents. hahahaha

P.S.All characters in this story are fictious. Any similarity to persons (or other creatures) living or dead, is coincidental. ;-)

[lookingland.livejournal.com]

plotting and planning and eating each other up was no way to behave

i'm having that made into a placard ~ hahahahahaha!

: D