oh, a lot of self-analysis, but also a pretty picture ~

[lookingland]

i found the image below while browsing around and though i cannot hope to reproduce it, i want to try to draw something like it for my Prologue (capital P because it's all official or whatnot). The first words on the page will be the strangely ominous assertion: "We are not damned".

the more i poke this thing in the soft pads of its feet, the more i realize it's about me in weird ways and perhaps that's one of the things holding me back: a real lack of honest detachment. because it's about my own personal struggle with faith as much as anything else. which i think is typical for many writers. it's just less obvious to some ~ and certainly less obviously an obstacle. lastremnant once accused me of never talking about me because all i ever talk about is my writing and my projects. well, welcome to my self-identity (which i fully acknowledge is not entirely a healthy thing, but we all survive in our own ways).



so i readily confess that i am mostly flying by the seat of my pants on this project right now, but i feel my constant caution continues to stand in the way of progress and that i need to take chances. i know i give over to frustration entirely too easy and then i nitpick myself to death and scatter the bits as far as the eye can see. it's no wonder it's always so difficult to recover from such harsh self-treatment. bachsoprano reminded me about trust in undertaking creative journeys and that's critical to me. you have trust your instincts even when you feel you can't trust your skills: you have a desire for a reason. and i know i am most forgiving of the most earnest art. no one ever tells a five-year old that their refrigerator art sucks because it doesn't: it's sheer energy and the love of creating that connects us to our Creator. it doesn't suffer from ego or competitiveness or self-doubt. i feel like i have been trying to find that inner child for twenty years and sometimes i think i manage to get a hold of her, but she never stays. clearly i am not feeding her enough pie.

so this weekend i am eating cheese popcorn, watching A & E's entire Horatio Hornblower series (which i have never seen!), and i am drawing something like the picture above ~ because i have to trust that my invented world is a safe place where i play god and critics are just crickets chirping unintelligibly in darkness.

edit: and there it is, three hours and some change later. i'm posting it in a reduced size, so i dunno if you can read it (i can on my computer, but my resolution is gargantuan here). and yes, there is a typo in there, which i have fixed for the final "draft". it came out a lot darker tone-wise than i intended, and it's certainly not perfect, but i think it's not bad for throwing something together without a cogent plan.

odd thing is, that's it. i mean, that's the prologue. i thought of stretching it over a couple of pages to get a progression of the journey/debris/etc., but since this framework has to stretch out over such a lengthy spell, it almost feels like this is more than sufficient for an opening.

i dunno. i'll kick it around while i go to the bank and run errands.

Comments

[lanyn.livejournal.com]

you have trust your instincts even when you feel you can't trust your skills: you have a desire for a reason. and i know i am most forgiving of the most earnest art

I like how you worded this! Passion is one of those things I look for in works, in people, because it's so very important to how I experience the world.

That picture is beautiful!

I keep waiting for Netflix to get the Hornblower series in, because I haven't seen it yet either and I loved reading those books when I was young. But alas, they never seem to get it.

[lookingland.livejournal.com]

i got tired of waiting for Netflix, so i ordered it through inter-library loan. took a while, but i finally got it!

: D

[lanyn.livejournal.com]

Oooh, that's way cool! Love how you did the fog and the color of the tree. And as a Prologue, it works beautifully.

[lookingland.livejournal.com]

thank you ~ !

after my errands, i got to thinking and i might add a page or two with some other preliminary thoughts. if i don't like them, i can always remove them.

: D

[bachsoprano.livejournal.com]

I hope you enjoy Horatio Hornblower! I loved the series and always make a point of watching it when it's rebroadcast by A&E.

Love the photo, and love what you've done with it.

Regarding trust: it's such a slippery thing. I know that when I just go with whatever it is I'm doing, I'm able to move into that childlike state which for me is absolute bliss. But, that state is so easy broken and I think once it's broken, for whatever reason, it's really hard to find it again. Pie helps, and I guess it's a delicate balance of nurturing that childlike status without indulging it - not that I think you're in danger of that! In fact, I wish many hours of finger-painting with words for you (if such an idea is appealing).

Anyhow, there is my rambling reply of the day.

And how does one make cheese popcorn?

[lookingland.livejournal.com]

thank you! i have been spinning my mental gears all week trying to pin the various little toads of thought by their toes so i can examine them better ~ and i think the whole thing about broken trust is a huge issue with me because of the way my work and my ideas have been commodified by others. or my perception thereof (i don't pretend for a moment that my hindsight can be reflected from one of those carny fun mirrors now and then). i continue to try to nuture. i'm a lot better at taking care of dogs than myself ~ hahahahaha.

thank you also for your ramble ~ always.

p.s. cheese corn isn't made, it's born that way. actually, i have no idea. i buy it at Candyland downtown where they make various flavored popcorns. it's very addictive.

: D

[almond-tiger.livejournal.com]

I really love that result.

[lookingland.livejournal.com]

thank you! it's not bad!

: D

[geckobird.livejournal.com]

Wow. Your prologue is amazing... Especially what Morse says. That's so beautifully said.

By the way, I've been trying to reconnect with my inner child as well. Though I think dark chocolate with cookie dough ice cream may be the trick. Maybe add some pie as well for good measure. Think she'll stay long enough for me to write a few stories? Hahahaha. ^_^

[lookingland.livejournal.com]

thank you!

i hope your inner child stays as long as she wants to and writes many many fabulous tales of adventure!

[sets out pie for encouragement ~ with ice cream, of course].

: D

[sparowe]

That is an opening line.

[lookingland.livejournal.com]

thank you!

: D

[utter-scoundrel.livejournal.com]

I can't really add anything here except, "What they said!"