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watch out, this is an actual personal entry today ~ !
this morning a "friend" called me to remind me of an anniversary i'd just as soon as forget. i'd like to take a strafing run through my past and obliterate most of it. just a few pieces here and there worth holding onto. the rest is just garbage ~ meh and feh ~
a silly story: when i was in middle school, i developed an allergy to vitamin D3, a synthetic vitamin they now jack milk up with (and so consequently i don't drink milk anymore) ~ anyway ~ before i realized this allergy, i was breaking out into hideous nasty hives all over my body. i had a terrible outbreak at school one day and was itching between my toes so bad that i took off my shoe and sock to scratch ~ when i saw how lumpy and disgusting the hives were, i asked to be excused to the nurse's office. my science teacher sent me right away.
[cut to the end of the semester.]
my science teacher announced that there were items left in the classroom that people needed to claim. silly things: a pocket sharpener or paperback book or notebook, etc. i don't even remember ~ but among those things was a blue sock ~ my blue sock, which i had left in class the day of the hives. the teacher hung all these things on the bulletin board for people to collect them, and i remember the laughter as he pinned the sock up. humiliated, i refused to claim it.
just to be clear here, it was a brand new sock and it was very clean. it wasn't an embarrassing sock at all, but it was embarrassing to me that i had left it in the classroom and that people were laughing at it. i was prone to embarrass easily (and still do).
anyway, i was, for some strange reason, thinking about this incident before adoration yesterday.
it is, in effect, the story of my life: a weird cycle of shame and denial, shame and denial. if i just ignore the discomfort, it will go away.
last night's lenten reflection was about the difference between hypocrisy and human weakness. all i can say is that it was very timely.
i get into a spin about being such a hypocrite, but maybe i need to start thinking of things in a different light ~ stop "excusing" my sinfulness to hypocrisy and start facing my human weakness. it's so much easier to judge one's self and be self-condemnatory than it is to be merciful and treat oneself with the understanding and compassion that God would, if we would just give Him the chance.
~ no great revelations, no fiery conversions, just take the new day and try to stand up again. pounding ourselves is arrogant. accepting our failure and struggling on is humility.
decaussade has a reflection in the Magnificat that says exactly this. i need to staple it (lovingly) to my forehead.
: o p
this morning a "friend" called me to remind me of an anniversary i'd just as soon as forget. i'd like to take a strafing run through my past and obliterate most of it. just a few pieces here and there worth holding onto. the rest is just garbage ~ meh and feh ~
a silly story: when i was in middle school, i developed an allergy to vitamin D3, a synthetic vitamin they now jack milk up with (and so consequently i don't drink milk anymore) ~ anyway ~ before i realized this allergy, i was breaking out into hideous nasty hives all over my body. i had a terrible outbreak at school one day and was itching between my toes so bad that i took off my shoe and sock to scratch ~ when i saw how lumpy and disgusting the hives were, i asked to be excused to the nurse's office. my science teacher sent me right away.
[cut to the end of the semester.]
my science teacher announced that there were items left in the classroom that people needed to claim. silly things: a pocket sharpener or paperback book or notebook, etc. i don't even remember ~ but among those things was a blue sock ~ my blue sock, which i had left in class the day of the hives. the teacher hung all these things on the bulletin board for people to collect them, and i remember the laughter as he pinned the sock up. humiliated, i refused to claim it.
just to be clear here, it was a brand new sock and it was very clean. it wasn't an embarrassing sock at all, but it was embarrassing to me that i had left it in the classroom and that people were laughing at it. i was prone to embarrass easily (and still do).
anyway, i was, for some strange reason, thinking about this incident before adoration yesterday.
it is, in effect, the story of my life: a weird cycle of shame and denial, shame and denial. if i just ignore the discomfort, it will go away.
last night's lenten reflection was about the difference between hypocrisy and human weakness. all i can say is that it was very timely.
i get into a spin about being such a hypocrite, but maybe i need to start thinking of things in a different light ~ stop "excusing" my sinfulness to hypocrisy and start facing my human weakness. it's so much easier to judge one's self and be self-condemnatory than it is to be merciful and treat oneself with the understanding and compassion that God would, if we would just give Him the chance.
~ no great revelations, no fiery conversions, just take the new day and try to stand up again. pounding ourselves is arrogant. accepting our failure and struggling on is humility.
decaussade has a reflection in the Magnificat that says exactly this. i need to staple it (lovingly) to my forehead.
: o p
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