nite all ~

[lookingland]

well i was focused this morning and afternoon and got two scripts written (still need three more). haven't touched the homework today, though. tomorrow's going to be a busy bugger.

i need something.

i have no idea what.

perspective, definitely.

since i stopped teaching i feel at a loss. can't go back now. don't have the time. but i really miss being useful. sometimes my interactions online heighten this feeling of abject uselessness, mediocrity, and failure. survial mechanisms kick in and the next thing i know i've lost a week off my life with nothing to show for it except a handful of strange journal posts, manic art projects all over the house, and the compelling sense that i had a list of things to do that aren't getting done.

found an x-ray in the park yesterday (no kidding, a full sheet x-ray!). it was the head of possibly (i'm guessing) an elderly person (they had no teeth). it was so weird that it seemed a profound accent mark on my feeling of disconnect as of late. the dolls shoulda been my first clue that i'd slipped off the boat, but denial is an interesting (and highly adaptive) creature.

so it's time for another vacation.

i've picked as a meditation for my sabbatical the following lines from rilke.

perhaps all the dragons of our lives
are princesses who are only waiting
to see us once, beautiful and brave.

perhaps everything terrible is
in its deepest being
something that needs our love.

~ rainer maria rilke ~



i'll be back eventually. i usually am.

'nite all.