lookingland

so i have been vaguely looking at Razi-el lately. reminded by a post elsewhere why i began writing it and wondering if my feelings have changed so much that it's no longer a book borne out passionate indignation meant to set fire to the hypocrisy in the world. and if it's not, then what is it precisely?

i don't think my feelings have changed, actually. i think i just grew up somewhere between then and now ~ stopped looking at things filtered through the hysteria of emotional reactions with no foundation in fact. i don't want to set the world on fire anymore. i want the world to be still and listen to God.

and i'm amazed at how peaceful i feel on the one hand that all my worst fears are allayed by Truth (and the security of turning it all over) ~ and yet still surprised at how volatile i get out of the irrational fears of others. the double-standards, the witch hunts, the blame games, the rationalizations ~ all of it so infuriating. why do people hate so much. if people ever stopped to think about what they really and truly deserved, justice would take on a whole new meaning.

and where does that leave Razi-el? what is the story about then? fear of the unknown. prejudice. narrow-mindedness. injustice. pettiness.

nobility. silence. patience. a willingness to bend to the will of God, even when the cross seems unbearable. martyrdom, to be certain.

grace.

i don't really know anymore. and i don't know that this is the time to go looking for it either. but perhaps if i leave the back door ajar a wee bit, it may yet come find me.

~ * ~

last night i watched a Bill & Ted double feature. i laughed. i laughed hard. i hadn't seen those movies in ages.

okay, so maybe i haven't grown up all that much.

: D